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Couple He loves her. She loves him. Initially they were all over each other, but now things have changed.

Is loss of sexual appetite normal?

Absolutely: it might happen to both partners, but in women is more common.

I have personally experienced this problem and I know how helpless a man can feel in the face of a partner constantly rejecting his sexual approaches. As a counselor, I have also helped clients to overcome this challenge: the good news is that you can make things work.

The first step is to get a sense of what might be happening: why does a woman stop wanting her man?

Physical reasons
- Hormonal fluctuations: the first thing to check with blood analysis.
- Tiredness and lack of sleep.
- Medical conditions such as endometriosis, fibroids and many others: check with your doctor.

Psychological reasons
- Relationship issue: there might be things you need to work out.
- Depression: it has a devastating effect on sexual desire.
- Stress: relocating, getting married, new job, or simply too much work.
- Sublimation: Women are more capable than men of using their raw sexual energy to fuel their every day tasks and passions: they could become so immersed in what they love doing, that the energy previously available for sex becomes now dedicated to a new passion only.

So after discovering that her loss of desire is not due to a sudden fall of your sexual skills, what can you do, as a man, to make her want you again?

1- Make space in your day. In our fast-paced life, sex might become just another item on a busy diary: ‘I have got half an hour on Sunday so we can fit a quickie there.’ How much time do you spend with you partner free of chores and interruptions? Create daily or at least weekly occasions in which you can simply stay together.
2- Reconnect non-sexually. Create opportunities to feel a special sense of connection with you partner. It might be a romantic dinner, a walk in the park, or any other activity you both like. It must be very clear that such pleasant activity is not some kind of extended foreplay which will see you trying to approach her sexually in the end…
3- Create sensual occasions in which full sex is forbidden. There is much more to sex than penetration. Discovering other ways to enjoy each other is fun and it also reduces everyone’s performance anxiety.
4- Discover you conditions for great sex. The fantasy model of sex dictates that we should be able to function and presumably enjoy sex without any special requirements. The reality is that we all have conditions which need to be met in order to have good sex. For example, you probably need to be rested, maybe you prefer to have the light off, and possibly immediately after dinner you are not in the mood. Give it a good thought, find out your very own conditions for great sex, and then discuss the topic with your partner.
5- Encourage her selfishness. An excessive focus on pleasing others might inhibit sexual pleasure first and sexual desire later. An orgasm is all about a woman being attentive to her own needs: encourage her selfishness in bed.
6- Buy a lubricant. A woman might experience vaginal dryness even if she is interested in sex. So go to a good sex shop and buy a good lubricant, but remember: she is the only one able to decide if it’s ok to use it or not. In fact, she has also the right to simply throw it in the bin. After all, it’s her body we are talking about.
7- Stop using a lubricant. On the other hand, maybe she isn’t wet because she does not feel like having sex: if that is the case, using a lubricant might be a recipe for disaster. If you have been using a lubricant for some time, stop it for a while and see what happens.
8- Change the scenery. Routine is a libido killer, avoid it at all cost.
9- Ask her what she likes. Do you know what your woman enjoys in bed? Make sure you do, down to tiny details such as the preferred way of licking. Does she know what you like? Go ahead and tell her: your pleasure might feed her lust.
10- What can you change in yourself? Tough questions time: have an open discussion with your partner and prepare yourself to hearing a few unpleasant truth. No, it’s not about your penis size - that's perfectly ok - but it might be about your hygiene habits…


What is one to do when it is the man that loses interest instead of the woman?

Good question Phoenix! I'll write a post about it next month. Ciao